I Am Grateful; I Am Not Satisfied

Don’t worry this isn’t a dictionary lesson.

Grateful:  a) feeling or showing an appreciation of kindness; thankful b) expressing gratitude Satisfy: a) to make happy, to please; b) to gratify to the full; appease

Overall, the last two months have been, for the most part, pretty busy and entertaining for me.  After the holidays were over and January rolled around, I went to St. Augustine, FL to visit my mom, step-father, and to surprise my little sister for her 25th birthday for about a week.  While I was there, my grandparents came to visit, and then I rode with them back to their winter home in Fort Meyers and stayed an additional week.  The following weekend after returning from Florida, I went up to Boston for a short weekend to spend time with a few of my friends from college who live decently close to each other.  The weekend after that I went to the Mohegan Sun Arena in Uncasville, CT and saw Bon Jovi put on a 2-hour kick-ass live show…for free!  I can definitely agree that January and most of February were rather eventful months for me.  The last few weeks, on the other hand, have been more on the dull and uninteresting side.  I am not complaining, just stating facts.

I’ve been basically confined to the house with sporadic modes of transportation available to me here-and-there (depending on my family member’s schedules’), and it has begun to start to put me a little-bit “on edge”.  I absolutely believe I do a great job of finding ways to entertain myself and keep my mind busy.  I am also rather physically active, circumstances considered, which keeps me entertained frequently.  Still, it is unfortunately starting to wear away at me a bit; not having my independence that is.

I have noticed I have been getting very frustrated.  Frustrated that I can’t drive.  Frustrated that when I need to go somewhere that I need to find a ride.  Frustrated that I usually can’t be alone when I’m shopping, or alone at all sometimes.  Frustrated by all of the brotherly teenage bickering and yelling and farting.  My only “escape” is the room I stay in, but it is still not fully excluded from everything considering it is household public-access to the mini-office, work-out, and playroom.

This blog is not about me bitching up a fit.  This blog is about me realizing and sharing the true difference between what being grateful and being satisfied is.  Yes, I am frustrated that I cannot drive, but I am extremely grateful that I have enough of my vision field to still do many things.  Yes, I get frustrated always having to depend on a ride, but I am grateful that I have family that is willing and kind enough to drive me around.  Yes, I get very annoyed when the boys are loud and fighting, and when there never seems to be a moment of “fresh, clean air” while either of them are in the room if ya know what I mean, but, still, I am grateful to have them as my “brothers”.  Yes, I am frustrated that I used to live independently and now I feel like I am somewhat re-living my early teenage years, but I am grateful that my family has allowed me to be a part of their home, grateful to call them my family, and above all, I am grateful to be alive.

Today in the shower, as my mind was racing, “What is wrong with me?  What is your problem Mo?  Why are you on such a short-fuse so much lately?  C’mon get it together Mo.”  I kept thinking and asking myself questions, and thinking some more.  I came to the conclusion that I am grateful for everything and everyone in my life, but I am not satisfied with my life and that there is a difference.

Well, what is the difference between being grateful of your life and being satisfied with it?  The difference, for me at least, is I am so very appreciative of my life and that I have been given a second chance to make it satisfactory and fulfilling, but I am currently not fully satisfied with it.  Yes I am alive, but I want to be living; not trapped.

Not being able to drive does restrict my freedom and independence more than I would have ever thought, but I have been making-due.  The problem is I don’t want to “make-due.”  That has never been a mind-set of mine, and I don’t want to be content with “making-due.”  Ever.

I dream of being on my own, having a career, living in my own house, driving my own car, etc.  Not that I want to be alone all-of-the-time, I just dream to simply have my independence back.  I’m 27 and I live with my aunt, uncle, and cousins and the closest thing to my old “Mo-bile” now is riding shot-gun in my grandma’s Toyota Camry…with my grandma.  The luxury of “leaving and going as you please” doesn’t seem like a luxury until you have it suddenly snatched away from your feet.  I know “independence” is what I want, but how do I get it?  I went to the mall the other day and I didn’t see anything on sale for “Independence.” Purchase now and your first 3 months are free!”  Haha, I wish.

So, since “independence” isn’t for sale, how am I going I take my dreams and put them into an active game plan?  This can be tricky for my particular situation, because some of my goals are somewhat dependent on my medical progress, doctor’s diagnoses, etc.  My goals aren’t like, “I want to lose 10 lbs.” or “I want to run a 5K.”  While some of my goals are indeed like those, the ones I am talking about now are much different, such as, “I want to be able to see” and “I want to be able to drive”.  The only control I really have with goals like these is to just continue keeping-up with all of my doctor’s appointments, medications, staying healthy, and thinking positive.  After that, I am not sure if there is anything else I can do, but just patiently wait.

I often wonder what other people would do and how they would react if they were in my shoes.  The reason I wonder, is because I am constantly in conflict with myself, and always looking for more, and I wonder is that normal or not?  Then I question should I be satisfied with how things are?  Is it bad that I am still not yet satisfied with my life?  With all said and done, I did get a liver.  I survived two serious brain infections.  I am healthy.  I am alive.  I have wonderful friends and family.  Is it selfish of me, that I want more for my life than just being grateful and awake each day?  I want to be satisfied.

I would be satisfied if I was living every moment to the absolute fullest I could each day.  I know that isn’t possible due to time and monetary restraints, but this doesn’t stop me from trying.  I will steadily plug away each day at my goals until I get to where I want to be.  The problem is, I am never completely satisfied with where I am at, and I always want more.  Mo, always wants mo’–I am always trying to out-do myself in whatever it is I do.  I am my own worst enemy, and whether that is a good or a bad thing, I have yet to determine.

In one way, I believe it is a great thing, because I’m always trying to work harder, to make things better than they were before.  Settling is not in my vocabulary-for anything, or anybody.  On the other hand, sometimes I think I’m ready to do things, but my body is not, I push anyway, and I end up setting myself back a tiny-bit further from where I began.  It is vicious cycle of balancing, and that is something I have gotten much better at, yet still have plenty of room for improvement.

The truth of it all is I really don’t know what will make me truly satisfied?  Will I ever be able to get to a point where I can say, “That’s it?  I am here and this is the best life can possibly be.”  Who knows?  But ya know what?  That is okay because it keeps me continuously working hard at my goals.  When I’m working hard at my goals, trying until I can’t try any more, that is the one thing that I do find satisfactory in my life. That feeling that I’ve done everything I could possibly do, leaving no room for excuses.  It is a hard feeling to get to, especially with me since I am never satisfied ; )

“People who are unable to motivate themselves must be content with mediocrity, no matter how impressive their other talents.”
~Andrew Carnegie, American Industrialist & Philanthropist 

“Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.” ~unknown

 

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3 thoughts on “I Am Grateful; I Am Not Satisfied

  1. Hi Mo,

    Your fingers must be getting tired, lotta typing. Your blogs are some pretty good stuff, just getting it out there must make you feel good. I was wondering if you have given any thought to how luck has played out in your scenario.

    It is my thinking, keyword my, that your going fo the first review/interview and being admitted then, was a bit of good luck. Being ‘nicked’ during the biopsy process, bad luck. Just think if you had not been admitted already, say they had done the biopsy and sent you home, fall down in the middle of the night and brought to Danbury, what the hell coulda happened ? It was good luck that they found the problem and got you back

    Your mom, Dez and I had good luck that we were able to get a flight that afternoon, luck turned to shit i Atlanta when we had plane problems.ere we are sitting in the airport wondering if we’re gonna see you alive. Our luck got better and we made it to White Plains and yada yada.

    Another issue is prayer, I as you know am not a particularly religious man but, when the chips are down I always say a prayer. Does it work, you know I want to say I don’t know yet every time I have prayed, your health, bad airplane rides, my mom’s pain etc., all has come out well. You can say I answered my own question.

    In typical fashion, random thoughts. I have to get ready for PT today. They do all kinds of range of motion measuring, normal extensions and what I do with left arm (good) and right, week to week comparisons. On one such test my injured right wing has more rotation than my good left wing, kid said “oh shit, I never had this.” Cannot get my hand over my head yet without the help of the other arm, each day a little more though. It has been 8 weeks today since the operation, thinking 4 more weeks of PT. Maybe less I hope.

    Later and much love, Ed

  2. Monique,
    I greatly enjoyed the 9/2013 video, Congratulations! This Blog that Ed and I are responded to is another goody.

    I’m glad I read it bc, True Gratitude is a gift. It is a tool to keep us Humble. Not everyone has the opportunity to be humble(d), just know that should be Proud that you have come this far and your not at Peace, so you’ll continue your journey until you are satisfied with the here and now (I am not sure we are ever truly satisfied-if so what’ll make you get up in the AM).

    I began to write a 3-4 paragraph testimony of my life thus far (and I had only gotten to Sept 1981) when my laptop acted a up an erased all my words. So now you get these “small” deep thoughts. I’ll look you up on FB and I look forward to talking again.

    Peace….Timothy Freeman

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